The intro is an interesting approach to introducing the setting. A couple of questions come up with it: How did humans get into this world? Where is this world? I could see the first sentence to be a bit of a turn-off for male readers, especially younger ones who dislike anything relating to girls. Then again, part of your intent is to show strong female characters. Still, it's something to think about.
"The westernmost mountain on Sartor's eastern border" is somewhat confusing. Could we see a map?
Just how old is Tsaudrei anyway?
Where is Sarendan in comparison to Sartor? This is confusing. Also, you mention that Lilah is a "newly-made princess." Will you explain this to readers who haven't read Slam Justice? *nevermind. answered farther on* Do you need to explain flying magic?
*much later*
Alright... Lots of questions answered. Who told Yustnesveas that her stories were boring? I'm curious about this other girl... Does she have her own story prior to this as well?
It's amazing how all the bits of this world that I know about are slowly falling together. I really wish that there were hard copies of this out for me to buy so that I could compare all all the story threads. But in the meantime, by all means, keep them coming!
Thanks for the comments! I wish I could figure a way to get the maps up...but think of Sarendan and Sartor separated by mountains, roughly like the Rockies running down between the west coast and the middle of our country.
It was a bit hard reading the chapter since I'd gotten so used to Lilah's first person point of view, but I like the plot and once I get used to the different voice I think I'll like it too. Please continue!
WOW! Please please continue. It really is fascinating to see pieces falling together... We've heard info about this enchantment in your other stories, but this is the first time it's really been explained.
CJ is one of my oldest characters--I have the most notebooks with her adventures with her gang of girls. (I'll run Senrid's story through next, in which you meet her.)
Um, I just have to say that I have been reading your stuff over and over and over ever since Crown Duel first came out, and I really, REALLY cannot get enough of it. But I have a question: how does putting up all these lovely stories of yours online affect their chances of getting published (because I have faith that someone, somewhere, someday will get their head on straight and publish everything of yours they can get their hands on). :)
I dunno, since I seem to have no luck at getting any editors to even read any of these, and I don't really want to drop dead before somebody does, I'm putting them here, behind Friendslock, so they can't be googled.
Really enjoying this, the two (to become three) third person voices is a little tough, but I think I like it. Plus, Lilah and Yustenaveas are cool so anything to do with them is fine with me. You said we see the start of the romance---is the rest contained in another book or is it behind the scenes?
It's actually omnisicient voice--that is, there is a specific narrator, who is telling the story for a specific purpose (though nothing is said here because that doesn't come out for years and years).
The romance happens during the big war series of stories.
I seem to have a knack for being the last person to read & comment. Hooray.
I love the way this starts... the narrator sort of slowly panning in on Lilah and Yustnesveas. It gives the story a somewhat... I'm not sure... epic feel. Or something.
Absolutely nothing more to say that has not already been said or asked. Can't wait to read the next chapter.
Wow, I love this story already. Everything about the history and world is intriguing and I am SO glad that you're posting stories of the main storyline...a lot of stuff that had been hinted at before are making sense now. I know it's a bit late since I only recently finished Slam Justice and I'm...many chapters behind. But I will finish! And Slam Justice was amazing. The last chapter actually gave me shivers while I was reading it. Thank you so much for posting everything!
*is finally -almost- done with AP tests, and can read!!!*
I love the connection to Slam Justice right off the bat. The 'arguement' is intriging - Peitar & Lilah really seemed to get along in that one!
Hm... you probably can't tell me this... but who's the third girl? (and I'm hoping I can find most of this in the archives - it promises to be quite good!)
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May 5 2005, 15:50:16 UTC 7 years ago
May 5 2005, 16:13:53 UTC 7 years ago
My thoughts and notes while I read this
The intro is an interesting approach to introducing the setting. A couple of questions come up with it: How did humans get into this world? Where is this world? I could see the first sentence to be a bit of a turn-off for male readers, especially younger ones who dislike anything relating to girls. Then again, part of your intent is to show strong female characters. Still, it's something to think about."The westernmost mountain on Sartor's eastern border" is somewhat confusing. Could we see a map?
Just how old is Tsaudrei anyway?
Where is Sarendan in comparison to Sartor? This is confusing. Also, you mention that Lilah is a "newly-made princess." Will you explain this to readers who haven't read Slam Justice? *nevermind. answered farther on* Do you need to explain flying magic?
*much later*
Alright... Lots of questions answered. Who told Yustnesveas that her stories were boring? I'm curious about this other girl... Does she have her own story prior to this as well?
It's amazing how all the bits of this world that I know about are slowly falling together. I really wish that there were hard copies of this out for me to buy so that I could compare all all the story threads. But in the meantime, by all means, keep them coming!
May 5 2005, 17:06:15 UTC 7 years ago
Re: My thoughts and notes while I read this
Thanks for the comments! I wish I could figure a way to get the maps up...but think of Sarendan and Sartor separated by mountains, roughly like the Rockies running down between the west coast and the middle of our country.7 years ago
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May 5 2005, 16:46:41 UTC 7 years ago
May 5 2005, 17:02:28 UTC 7 years ago
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May 5 2005, 19:54:05 UTC 7 years ago
Who is CJ?
May 5 2005, 22:27:18 UTC 7 years ago
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May 5 2005, 22:29:27 UTC 7 years ago
May 5 2005, 22:10:52 UTC 7 years ago
Really loving this story
Um, I just have to say that I have been reading your stuff over and over and over ever since Crown Duel first came out, and I really, REALLY cannot get enough of it. But I have a question: how does putting up all these lovely stories of yours online affect their chances of getting published (because I have faith that someone, somewhere, someday will get their head on straight and publish everything of yours they can get their hands on). :)May 5 2005, 22:32:10 UTC 7 years ago
Re: Really loving this story
I dunno, since I seem to have no luck at getting any editors to even read any of these, and I don't really want to drop dead before somebody does, I'm putting them here, behind Friendslock, so they can't be googled.May 5 2005, 22:39:07 UTC 7 years ago
May 5 2005, 22:48:51 UTC 7 years ago
The romance happens during the big war series of stories.
7 years ago
May 5 2005, 23:04:59 UTC 7 years ago
I'm so excited I'm having trouble forming thoughts to type!
...I really should be doing history homework.
May 6 2005, 22:49:44 UTC 7 years ago
Anyway, I have a question, too. What is the significance of the Dei family? Which country are they connected to? (okay, so two questions, I guess)
May 6 2005, 22:54:52 UTC 7 years ago
But a bit will be answered here. (And they began in Sartor, but spread...)
May 11 2005, 08:28:59 UTC 7 years ago
I love the way this starts... the narrator sort of slowly panning in on Lilah and Yustnesveas. It gives the story a somewhat... I'm not sure... epic feel. Or something.
Absolutely nothing more to say that has not already been said or asked. Can't wait to read the next chapter.
May 11 2005, 18:59:28 UTC 7 years ago
May 11 2005, 22:23:48 UTC 7 years ago
There's more of Darian in this one...
May 17 2007, 20:55:51 UTC 5 years ago
I love the connection to Slam Justice right off the bat. The 'arguement' is intriging - Peitar & Lilah really seemed to get along in that one!
Hm... you probably can't tell me this... but who's the third girl?
(and I'm hoping I can find most of this in the archives - it promises to be quite good!)
May 17 2007, 22:22:55 UTC 5 years ago
June 1 2007, 04:04:01 UTC 5 years ago
June 1 2007, 04:15:02 UTC 5 years ago
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June 22 2007, 18:34:58 UTC 4 years ago
Thanks!
June 22 2007, 18:38:26 UTC 4 years ago